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Start Your Day.....With A Record (10)

Time to breakaway from the problems of the world and hopefully some more sillyness to brighten your world and give you all a few more chuckles...

Start Your Day...With A LOAD Of Records!

I know...let's take the vocals off today..

Neighbour gets their own back on a problem kid...(take that you little bas....)

still shakin' that assss..

Good Old British Weather!

Dr.Vinyl To The Rescue!

More Vinyl Chest Rubbing

A new door to door 'soul' service is now available...PRAYING for records! You want a 45 badly? then call for Reverand Cuttlebottle, he'll get those prayers answered in NO TIME! Remember his motto...believe...and thou shalt recieve (hopefully the one you've been praying for!) Remember guys, this man is a REAL soul brother! He mends em' too!

UK residents are snapping up garden pools, as all they have to do is assemble the pool...they then leave it out all night and it's filled with rain water by morning!

Andrew Cornplaster's wife Ethel, has decided her husbands LP collection needs a good clean. Her special teqnique is 'two rubs' accross her chest...it must be a REAL pleasure to watch Andrew! and seems like it's catching on!

Undercover Girl..

We Have Lift-Off..

Undercover female police in the u.s are going all modern with their new hiding place for their pistols (looks more outercover to me?) I wonder where they're gonna hide the bullets?

Aparantly sand and sea water don't taste very nice?

Unfortunately Willitt Growback from Peru put too much 'get your hair back' tonic on after a drinking spree and ended up with a little more than he anticipated!

Girls On Strike?

A row has broken out over the new flavoured banana Uppitts, due to the new slogan "ask your girl if she'd like a banana uppitt". Can't see anything wrong with that...can you?

Beer maids at the Belgium beer festival will maybe be going on strike this year, as they're fed up with u.k guys asking "can I have a couple of your big one's love"

Jealous German husband Mine Stinks, has banned his wife Yessitt from entering in the fattest cat competition because he's fed up with his mates ribbing him about his wife having the biggest pussy in the world! (can't see what all the fuss is about really, if your pussy's big...it's BIG!)

Champion Farter!

Boob JOB Wanted..

Women flock round Swedish world farting champion Ican Rollemmout. He did 16 farts in a row (gassing one of the judges in the process..) with one explosion lasting a whoping 10 seconds long! WOW! that's SOME fart power! Apparantly his wife (on his right) is BETTER at it than him too!

I should lay off the cold drinks if I were you kid..

Now why could'nt I have thought of that one...

Worried Tennants..

Folk in Stockport have been a bit worried about hard of hearing collector Mark Luggoles, since he's just moved in the area with his cd/tape collection, but he's assured them not to worry...as he WILL be turning one of his blasters off during the night!

Apparantly getting naked helps you hear your music vibes much clearer? (think I'll stick to my head phones with our british weather I'm afraid)

Soul singer Wifty Woo has promised his fans that he WON'T have any more curry before his concerts, as he always likes to jump into the crowd at the finale...as last time 14 fans fainted when he broke wind in their faces..PHEW!

NO way you guys! my TIE is definately the longest!

no..mine is longer than ALL three of you!

look at the size of this then! ain't it LONG!

Outdoor Soul Sale..

yeah, but look at the size of mine!

You Need A Bush?

Soulies from all over the world congregate to bid in the worlds largest OUTDOOR soul auction (beats a day out at the zoo eh?) Loadsa bargains to be had maybe?

Don't think I could ever say no to a Bush?

NO FARTING GIRLS!

This is what happens when you fart in a wet suit..

Penguin Problem?

You Sexy Witch You...

In Japan, Japanese girls are NOT allowed to break wind in any office building...so they like to make up for it when they get home to their husbands!

It's just been discovered why polar bears hate penguins...they can't get the wrappers off!

H.R.H By-The-Sea

And to think we used to burn them!

Is'nt it strange how kids get distracted over the slightest thing..

'No feeding' the seagulls signs have now been erected in Brighton after the Queen had her fish and chips pinched by a cheeky gull, on her annual 'bucket and spade' holiday last week (apparantly she was NOT amused..)

Costly Solar Lights?

Donkeys will no longer be allowed on beaches to give rides to people, after 62 year old CEDRIC the donkey was buried up to his saddle and stuck in the sand for 6 hours after a rather large lady sat on him! Poor old Cedric is now recovering and his HERNIA is now on the mend!

SHIT MAN! why did'nt someone tell me they'd painted the damn thing!

Rumour has it Solar lights are being TAXED by the new prime minister, as the goverment has decided there's not enough money coming in from them. Though this was recently denied as it was only a LIGHT issue..

Man to docter: "Docter, I just can't sleep at all...every night I lie awake for hours" Doctor: "Well just sit on the edge of the bed...you'll soon drop off".

Sexy Northern DJ..

Sorry...says the assistant to the blind customer in McDonalds, 'we do cheese burgers, ham burgers and beef burgers...but no sound bergers'

Pat Pattemhard the new female dj from Hawaii, is getting loads of bookings since she come over to the uk. "It must be my accent they like?" she said yesterday. (Mmm...well it's probably something like that I suppose..)

According to a new survey 'ebay snipers' are more prone to heart attacks! Their heart rates soar by 65% nearing the end of an auction. Makes no difference to me, I get the wife to do mine, but I do keep the smelling salts handy by the computer just incase she gets a twinge...(always better to be safe than sorry eh?)

Don't worry, you can have my pressing....it's probably worth more anyway?

Wonder if it's an original?

If your wife asks you to cut the lawn, get it done lads! As one soulie recently found out! After asking him 3 times to get it cut, she put all his soul LP's on the lawn and hovered over them all...OUCH!

Less Kangaroo's?

No More Immigrants?

Australia has agreed to take in unskilled immigrants as long as they promise to round up the large kangaroo populataion. But this is only if they agree to take one back home with them when their visas run out!

The uk has finally said: NO MORE immigrants allowed in Bournemouth, due to it finally subsiding off the map!

A new internet auction system for people who live in remote coastal areas is all set to start shortly, it will be run off a giant liner similar to those old pirate radio ships back in the 60s, it will be called SEA-BAY.

John Fang the 12 year old boy who recently found the coffin of Count Dracula buried in his back yard, was taken to hospital today by his teacher after biting 6 of his school friends necks! John strongly denied there was a curse on him even though it took 5 nurses to stop him sucking on every patients drip!

Spiritualists are now saying that BREAD is the key to fortune telling! When one was recently challenged she said "Yes that's correct, but only if you buy a MEDIUM sliced loaf"...

Soldiers Of Fortune?

Hospitals around the world are reporting a record number of people admitted this month. Apparantly ALL internet sniper sites have been cancelled due to a crackdown in 'FAIR PLAY' for all bidders! Most patients admitted were said to be suffering from stress and confusion..

Due to so many complaints about the 'extra' fees from Paypal, it's soon to change it's name...

'Down and outs' are being hired by uk soulies on 'soul hunting trips' in the states in a desperate measure to sniff out new record outlets! The uk guys reckon the 'old hands' knowledge of the area should lead them the best places for picking up rare vinyl. Just think...a couple of Shrine records for a bottle of the strong stuff and two packets of fags! WOW! Now THAT'S worth talking about!

6 X 6 = Earl Van
Dyke

Cancelled Venues?

I'M NAUGHTY!!...I'M NAUGHTY!!

Nothing like grabbing hold of a good STEAMER when your out for a walk!

1000's of dissapointed soul fans went home early last weekend after scores of all-nighters came to a stand still, when they found out too late that BOOTS the chemist had been on strike and there was'nt enough talcum powder for the weekend to go around all the venue's!

if you ever visit the swamps, a new sport for all you brave folk out there...GATOR FISHING! Simply dangle your line over the edge and wait for a BITE! (here's some advice...they do tend to like BIG worms!)

I've got a splitting headache..

Rogue Squirrel Killed..

Students Wanted..

What A Nice Pair!

At last 'SHITTER' the rogue squirrel that's been terrorising gardens in Santa Barbara, has finally been SHOT by two ex-marines after a long hard battle! The overgrown critter used to leave his 'DEPOSITS' on lawns to everyone's disgust...and if you think that was big, you ought to have seen his NUTS! (the shelled kind of course..)

A college was shocked at the number of volunteers to watch the effects of SUNBURN over a period of 3 days. Sounds pretty boring really just sitting there watching a few gals going brown....(but there again!) Apparantly scuffles always break out when it's time to 'rub the sun-tan cream' on...

You two kids are so nice...I could take you home with me!

'Leggy' Leg's It!

'Leggy' Watkins the guy with artificial pins, challenges his neighbour to a race...and nearly catches him too!

hi kids! thought we'd take a trip to Michael Jackson's house today..

Enter At Your Own Risk..

So if you're having trouble GOING simply smile!

Turn Around..And Face Me!

All lifts are to have fixed NO FARTING signs before you enter! Last week 3 elderly ladies on their way down in a lift to bingo, passed out due to an old gent letting rip! "he started 'gassing' us on the top floor" said one of the ladies from hospital yesterday (and there was 30 floors too!) then all hell broke loose, people were dropping in the lift like flies! (I should use the stairs next time maybe?)

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr.Hitler?

The U.S goverment has turned the Statue of Liberty AROUND so ALL illegal immigrants can see it when they enter the shores! They thought it would be a nice gesture to every 'non-american' who tries to sneak in. They also mentioned NOT to worry about the 25 machine guns at the base of the statue!

45's getting a bit grubby? be brave and stick em' in the next wash!

Hide Your Vinyl..

Should be jew out sometime this week..

Just Good Friends?

Eileen Nobblebottom (otherwise known as the 'VINYL LADY') has taken a liking to eat VINYL!! No wonder she's been banned from every allnighter in the land!

See...there's still some kind people in this world..

Two couples went on an African safari when the one guy got bit on the testicles by a deadly snake! "QUICK!" how can we save him?" said his wife to their guide: "Well you have to suck the poison out" said the guide: "Well who's gonna do that?" asked his wife: "Ah! that's when when you know who your friends are" he said...

hurry up...the footy's on in a moment!

I think that means 'please be quiet'?

Fed up looking at that old LP?
Not bothered how much it's worth?
Then join in the new craze that every one is doing...'record bowl moulding'. GROOV-Y!

Hello little one, I can just imagine you now with mint sauce all over you..

Need A Satisfiying Job?

Apparantly...NEWTS grow quite large in Australia?

They say being a puppeteer is a boring job?.....They were LYING!

Fat women have been banned from walking on the grass in Spanish parks, as it's not fair to the worm population.

A Kids Nightmare!!

I always said the Japanese were getting cocky...

Fruit Only Madam?

You're Never Too Old!

My that's a nice pear....the other fruit looks tasty too...

We all like BBQ's...but GUINEA PIGS!! (Don't tell the kids for god's sake!)

Stand Out In Life..

Japanese skateborder.

Why can't we have a TV for him like the other family's?

Save him a trip to the vet...FEED your dog before you go on holiday..

Looks like this company likes to keep abreast of things..

No Record Worries..

Be together in the after-life with a 'his and hers' special! (Plenty of room for your record collection in there too..)

If you go down in the woods today...your sure of a BIG surprise!

New Drink From Japan

Now that's what I call a BIG helping!

A guy walked into a bar the other night...only trouble was...it was an IRON bar..

Any Volunteers to try it?

Better To Be Safe..

About 10 squirrels have been blamed for a train pile-up in Birmingham. The train driver braked because he said the little critters were all on the level crossing looking for their nuts!

Motown Tiddlywink Competition

Fortune Read Sir?

Two friends out walking their dogs happened to meet in the public toilets. The first guys dog cocks his one leg and proceeds to have a pee....the second guys dog stands up straight, stretches up his paws and HE has a pee too. BLIMEY! says the first guy.."I've never seen a dog pee like that before?...the other guy said: "yeah...he's never been the same since that last wall fell on him"

Motown holds it's annual 'TIDDLYWINK' competition (as usual Stevie Wonder came LAST again for the 6th year!)

A medium says to the customer having his fortune read, "Please cut the cards and punch yourself hard in the face" - "OK, but why do I have to punch myself in the face?" - "Oh no reason" says the medium: "I just don't like the look of you!"

Gone For A Pee...

NO! It Can't Be?

They say this is where all the big knobs hang out...

Do Pay Us A Visit..

Wonder what the difference is?

PHEW!...had me worried for a minute!

Can You Do This?

BIG! Shark Spotted In UK.

Probably for ladies with CHESTY coughs?

TOLD you I'd get even with you one day Spielberg...

Talk About Face Pulling!

The uk guy who thought he'd spotted a great white in Cornwall, finally admitted he'd got his binoculars the wrong way round...

UK Flood Alert..

Fishermen are now having to be on their guard against large sharks heading to uk waters due to all the flooding, but I don't think there's any real concern....do you?

No More Hitsville?

The new style 'quick pee town toilet' came into force this week in Japan...they even play Northern Soul music while you're inside!

Getting The Urge?

Scientists say that infants get the taste for booze at an early stage...looks like they're RIGHT!

The famous Hitsville building is to close after a row in the local canteen! Apparantly the cook kept getting all the orders wrong...Stevie Wonder has now since been dismissed..

Piczo