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More mad pics for all you members of the silly crowd!
Topless Girl Group!
C/U Job
Sell Off..
WE
PLAY
SOUL
Tina Turner has been advised to wear her skirts at least another 6 inches longer, after two old guys in the front row of her last concert fainted when she bent down to pick up some flowers that a fan threw on stage for her!
New all girl group 'We Play Soul' from Finland are playing to yet another 'sell-out' gig in the uk and promoters are scrambling over each other to book them. The funny thing is that neither one of them can play an instrument? BUT WHO BLOODY CARES!!
Poor old Jazz collector Johnny Ringworm from New York has decided to sell all of his lounge carpets to pay for his vinyl. When a friend asked how he was going to pay for his next batch of Jazz LPs, he said: "Well I've got a kidney I don't need"...and they say Northern collectors are dedicated!
Wrap Up..
Car Wash Sir?
Excited?
Carly Buttsmacker from Germany has the cleanest 45s in the world! Her mum has a 'must be clean' phobia and has to wrap every 45 up in a polythene bag every day!
"Want your car cleaned friend?"
"Is that a screw driver in his pocket, or is he just glad to see us?"
Baby's Bathtime..
Baby food..
Smart Car..
I must get one..
I hear they've got baby burgers in Japan?
Strange but true..
Giant Ice Cream!
Mega What?
Walls the UK ice cream company has invented the first 6 foot cornet! A Walls spokesman said yesterday, "We had a few problems at first, but I now think we've got it licked!"
After a near fatefull car accident when she was 5, Henrietta Lesselbows from California has learned to play her guitar with her FEET! People with children were a bit concerned at her appearance at first, but they now realize that she's definately armless...
Ebay is thinking of closing down, as they've now run out of banks to put all their profit in!
Mouse Drop-in...
Pooh You!
Sounds interesting...I'll have a bag full please!
Rare Siting...
You know you've farted and it damn well STINKS!
Smart Arse!
Experts in Africa have got excited after a rare siting of the loch ness elephant was spotted in a near by lake.
It's said that mice are far more intelligent than we think!
A UK RECORD STORE IN THE 1960's
Higher Score...
The unemployment office now has a new form out asking people if they SELL on EBAY! If you do, then you will have to fill out an extra 7 forms...You just can't make an honest living these days can you!
Golfers seem more determinated to get their balls in these days!
SORRY DAD...
"Sorry madam...we don't seem to have anything by the Valentinos or Gene Chandler?"
Another New Sport...
WARMER DAYS ARE HERE!
Record Darts is the latest sport in Bulgaria, somehow I just don't think this is gonna catch on in the UK and USA!
"Daaad, you know that record you've just paid £2,000 for...well does JIFF get scratches out?"
Playing records with your partner is much more fun when you turn up the central heating!
NEVER PLAY WITH FIRE!
REMOTE BOOBS!
Why?...it gives the foreigners a meal everyday...
NORTHERN SOUL
My parents always told me to steer clear of a naked flame...I've finally discovered why...
Wow girls! Remote controlled boobs are here! Simply take one special BOOB REMOTE TABLET 3 hours before you go out and let your boyfriend do the rest...with the all new BOOB REMOTE! Once the tablet has kicked in, he simply presses the remote to the size that fits the occasion. Girls...throw out that vest and let BOOB TABLETS DO THE REST!
SILLY HILDA!
Some MONSTER sounds amongst their favourites I bet!
NORTHERN SOUL MUSIC..
INDIAN MAN / WOMAN
...and lets KEEP it that way!
Hilda Likesitrough was fined yet again for skinny dipping in the sea at Blackpool last week, apparantly 3 of the donkeys 'passed out' and had to be dragged home by their owner!
RIGHT PLONKERS!
DIVE, DIVE, DIVE..
Neitherwon Patel, the worlds first siamese sister/brother has been found living in Pakistan. She said "I never even knew my brother was on top of my head...I thought his beard was MY hair growing thicker!"
OPERATION McDONALDS!
Here's a rare 60s photo of the German beat group 'The Plonkers' taken on their ONLY visit to the uk. They never visited these shores again, after a squirrel BIT OFF two of the lead guitarist's fingers! Apparantly he was trying to touch the squirrels NUTS! Mind you...he should have bought his OWN to eat!
A 100 new LEMMINGS CLUBS have opened accross the world today for EBAY losers!
VINYL DINNERS?
Don't worry about us having to take BOTH your legs off later Mrs.Upanout...as a consolation, here's your free HAPPY MEAL before the operation.
LISTEN TO ME WILL YOU DEAR!
Thinner Plastic?
A dj and his wife baught their dream kitchen yesterday, a kitchen hob with FOUR record decks in it! "the wife is useless at cooking anyway he said!" (Isn't life STRANGE?)
Apparantly, vinyl is now getting SO THIN, that the stylus now actually plays BOTH SIDES at the same time!
VINYL CD's...
HORNY & HOT!
See what happens ladies when you keep YAKKING ON at us!
INDEMAND DJ!
H&H
H&H
The Verbatim cd company have now made their cds to look like RECORDS, with actual GROOVES in the cd. WE'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU VINYL RULES...OKEH!
Wanna be a ROCK STAR?...then don't be a druid, down the FLUID! New HORNY & HOT ROCK STAR liquid will get the chicks to notice YOU!...down some TODAY!
Bye Bye Quasy...
PHEW!
Millionaire Russian dj Igiv Lottsaway apparantly throws his Northern Soul 45s into the crowd after spinning them just once! Needless to say, he's the most indemand dj in the world and flights to Russia are now FULLY BOOKED for the next 2 years!
"Look Quasimodo, just because we've broke up, don't you go taking the HUMP with me!"
Lyn Spatula from Atlanta spent 2 days hanging her head out the car window during her trip accross state, due to her boyfriend having bad GAS! She's promised him that she'll definately NEVER do him a curry again before a long journey!
HELP!
ALLNIGHTER & SEX PARTY
FOUND IT!
NO membership required, anyone can cum!
"I knew they'd used too much damn GLUE on those floor tiles!"
SECRET SOUNDS!
Yes...but unfortunately you're not the only one watching that rarity either!
Getting to c/u those rarities is getting harder these days!
SPOOKY GHOSTS?
Mmmm! I enjoyed that!
FANCY A CHANGE?
BOWLING ANYONE?
I didn't go shopping to the supermarket with the wife last week, when she came back she was was shaking like a leaf! I asked her what had happened and she said: "I turned round and the shopping trolley started moving around the store all by itself!" finally resting....in the BEER & WINE AISLE! Just goes to show supermarkets have their fair share of SPIRITS!
Apparantly playing your vinyl for up to 8 hours a day can change your HAIR colour? Wonder how long you have to play it to get it BACK!!
STINGRAY FUN..
A few ideas for xmas for all those unwanted rarities.
DON'T DO CRIME!
Ooooh TROY! "now I know what you mean by FULL throtle!"
Hi Tony..."Can't wait to play you some of my new northern originals!"
LOST IT AGAIN!
Norbert Hogcabin from Detroit finally realised what it's like to commit an offence! In a new police crackdown on crime, all people caught will have to hand over their WHOLE record collections to their victims! Now THAT'S something worth thinking about!
DON'T LOOK AT ME..
CELEBRATION TIME!
The wife booked me an appointment to see a 'TOURETTES SYNDROME' doctor the other day, I said to her: "why have you done that?" she said: "well I keep hearing you SWEARING every day!" I said: "oh that's only because I keep LOSING my ebay bids!"
It's now been established why ugly Arab women put veils over their heads when they take their children to school....it's to stop them from frightening all the other kids off!
FREE FAMILY MEAL..
Got home from work the other day to be greeted by the wife in all her SEXY GEAR! So I said: "what have I done to deserve this then?" and she said: "I thought we'd celebrate as you had'nt bid on ebay for a week!"
RELAX...WITH LAX
Lance Breaks and his wife Dawn went to HER sisters for an evening meal and Lance was more than delighted when he now realised what she'd meant when she'd said: "it's ok...the meal was on her tonight!"
Meet Laxa from Sweden (full name Laxa Tiv) She's invented the 'FART TUB'. "I've always liked hot spicy food, but it always gives me bad GAS afterwards" she told Round Black Records recently, so what happens is this: You get into the hot fart tub, then SHE jumps in with you for 10 mins and gives you the best BUBBLE bath you've EVER had! So come on guys....Lax is waiting for YOU!
EYE...EYE!
ANY REQUESTS?
See what happens when you stay on EBAY too long!
Apparantly soulies have now found a SURE way of getting there requests played at allnighters...
HAIRCUT TIME...
GIRL BANNED!
Sometimes life just isn't fair is it?
AFTER THE ALLNIGHTER..
Soul girl Sandi Littlebig was banned from EVERY allnighter accross the country after security cameras caught her trying to smuggle 25 of her girlfriends into a top soul club last week.
"Oh dad...I told you you're too damn old to do all those northern soul spins now!"
GET YOUR OWN GARDEN!
NICE PECKER MR.BUSH
It's nice to go to school to learn...
"I don't care WHO you are!..You're not bloody dragging that thing through MY cabbage patch!"
A headbanger...
"and we'll trade him for your copy of the Ringleaders"
