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Ok you lot....who's the maddest?....me for doing the 'Start your day' pages, or YOU lot for reading them? ...oh well, if I get a smile from you....I've made someone happy.... So eyes down for some more mental instability!!
YIPPEE!....FOUND SOMEONE AT LAST!
PIGEON ATTACK!
See....at least SOMEONE 'Start's their day with a record!'
Egyptian traveler Ithinka Musthavarest got more than he bargained for when he stopped to feed the pigeon's in the park recently!
There's always ONE isn't there...
Have you got one in YOUR area?
PARLIAMENT PRESSURE..
What more could a guy ask for?
There's NOTHING better than watching that needle drop onto them grooves...
NICE BEER..
MALE COACH NEEDED...
I wonder what issues will POP up today?
The all new American ladies football team 'The Desirables' need another team coach to help them in training, as the previous two have both had cardiacs when the girls have hit the showers after a match!
Nothing like the refreshing taste of beer...for that SPECIAL occasion.
Hup-boy-hup!
CHRISTMAS IDEAS...
WOW! What a nice pair...of medals!
A MUST READ!
Stuck for what to get the kids for xmas? Want to keep them from getting under your feet while your stuffing the family turkey?...then 'Line-O-Coke' will keep them amused and put them on a high (literally) until Boxing day! Snort as much as you want when you want! Well after all...it IS christmas..
Make's a change from a puppy I suppose..
SPECIAL "U.B" GIFT
SECRET COMPUTER..
The essential guide for those fun camping trips!
MOBILE BOG ROLL
Welcome to the 'S.P.V' (Secret Porn Viewer)...look at all your dirty pics in PRIVATE! No need to wear that 'dirty mack' anymore, no one to bother you ever again...could'nt be easier!
Ugly girlfriend?
Ashamed to show her to your buddies?
Can't stand the sight of her? (but she's got money)
She even frightens the ducks in the park?
Then worry no more! For this christmas give her the "U.B" gift. (She thinks it stands for 'Utterly Beautiful' when really it simply means..'Ugly Bastard') It'll keep HER warm on those cold nights and stops YOU from being embarrassed when you meet up with the gang...THE PERFECT GIFT!
THE FLAMINGOS
Incase your out and you want to GO!
OOP'S..
ok then...if you don't like Reggae...how about Northern Soul?
I've finally now realised why the group got it's name!
OH SHIT! CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DAMN DOG WILL YOU!
IN YOUR DREAMS PAL...
Don't you just wish you'd got one in YOUR area...
NORTHERN FRENZY!
LADIES NIGHT OUT...
An underground car park in London came to a standstill yesterday when a guy stopped his van, climbed on top of his vehicle and shouted 'NORTHERN SOUL RECORDS FOR SALE'...(bet he made a few bob?)...see, you just need to be in the right place at the right time don't you!
1,000 soul ladies of India got together for their first allnighter to raise money for the 'ELEPHANT IN NEED' charity appeal last month with top dj's flying in and as you can see...all went well (apparantly they had'nt a clue what Northern Soul was all about, but they all had a right old knees up!) they also helped raised £2,000 so well done ladies...keep up the good work! If anyone's interested, their next allnighter is scheduled after the monsoon season...and all are welcome.
NEW MOBILE SHOWER
BAD NEWS..
At last a new invention...the ERECTA MOBILE SHOWER. Simply inflate and erect it ANYWHERE! Some promotion girls and their showers where sighted in parks all over the country and apparantly there were erections EVERYWHERE!
NO MORE $$$!!
VINYL CAVITY...
Apparantly ALL VINYL RECORD guides are to be BANNED! When asked why a spokesman said: "oh no reason, it'll just make it more fun!" They MAY just have a point there you know!
Apparantly they've run out of money for the next SUPERGIRL movie and there was'nt even enough $$$ to finish her costume.
SO...WHO CARES!!
Edna Turntable from Norwich loves her vinyl so much, she's invented the VINYL TOOTHBRUSH! (I bet it really gets into those grooves Edna)
FREDDY
COUGAR
THE THINGS BOY'S DO...
CLEANER RECORDS!
Customers SCATTERED when a VAMPIRE popped in our local chip shop last week...but they soon returned after she reasured them that she'd just popped in for a bite to eat...
Let's see if we can get it over the top of the hedge this time lads..
Apparantly if you place your 45s in the shower for 7 days, it removes ANY dirt spots in the grooves! Great...but who's gonna be the one who's gonna tell the kids that they can't use the shower for a week!
KEEP THE FAITH....BIGSTYLE!
BE COOL...STAY AT SCHOOL!
SEND FOR MARTHA!
Well staff....I think today we'll teach the kids the IMPORTANT things in life..
LET'S ROCK CHARLTON!
SCREW FETTISH?
Feeling rough?....Sick as a dog?....Got no energy?
Then send for Dr.Martha Titville...this nurse will get you back to normal within 10 minutes with her miracle SOUL CURE! Just a spoonful of HER medicine is DEFINATELY what the doctor ordered! Ooooh Nurse, I feel better already!
A thief was finally caught after admitting to stealing 576 DOOR HINGES from show homes. Though he DID have his sentence shortened after doctor's found out...he'd got a screw loose..
NO MORE BICCIES!
RIGHT YOU GUYS ! LET'S GO FIND SOME NORTHERN SOUL RECORDS!
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR..
Gina Piletton from York has decided she's cutting out ALL of the biscuits from now on...that should help a little anyway!
It's said that this is the best way to find records in Detroit!
TILL DEATH DO US PART...
LADY IN WAITING...
HA! there's 30
CROCODILES in
that river behind
you..
SO WHAT! I've
got the key to your
record room..
CASH ONLY...NO PAYPAL!
SOUL AT THE SEA-SIDE?
Police are taking no chances and are getting ready for the 'mad rush' down in a Manchester park when local soul collector Bernice Footsteady sells off her 35 year old Detroit collection. Police said 'scuffles' have already taken place leading up to the big event when she accidently dropped a few 45s out of her box and 25 collectors dived on them! Looks like HELMETS are a MUST today people!
Seem's like some more Northern Soul has been washed up on these shores again..
TIGER, TIGER!
TOP OF THE LIST!
THE IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK
Thieves caught for petty crimes are being given the option of 3 months in prison or 3 negatives added to their ebay feedback....blimey...life's so unfair ain't it?
Y'Sinme Shaking from India proudly shows off his latest addition to his TIGER collection. When asked how he caught this one he replied: "I simply reached my hand down his throat and pulled him inside out!" We asked him 'Were you not afraid?' and he replied: "Oh no..I had my gloves on"...
At last the P.O has recognised the importance of "Our Northern Soul records in transit" when they recently held a big meeting about 'safety'. Shortly we will be having 987 new post boxes all over the uk JUST for our soul records! (and if you believe that you'll believe anything..)
FISHY TAIL...
OUCH!
SURPRISE..SURPRISE!
The world's BIGGEST fish was caught last week with ONE single worm! When asked how he managed that the angler replied: "Well the worm was nibbling on my cheese sandwich at the time"...
"Ha! Let's see ya beat this then!"
Yes folks! Kids ARE sometimes just a pain in the ass..
FOR BIG COLLECTORS!
HEY MARVIN...
HUMAN RABBIT FAMILY
Hey Marvin...if there ain't no mountain high enough...and there ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you, then why can't we see each other this Saturday night?
Moving house? Need careful movement of that record collection? Worried removal men will damge the vinyl? Then the all new SOUL GRABBER is here to ease your pain! Simply 'ATTATCH AND CONNECT. It's SO simple! ...get one NOW...before it's TOO LATE!
JACOB MARLEY
Seeing WATERSHIP DOWN seem's to have had a lasting affect on the Hoppitt family from Leicester.
"Excuse me sir, but these chains of love keep breaking me down"...
Don't worry, it's only red they don't like..
MEET THE DIDDY RASTA BEATLES
SEXY TREES!
Reports coming in that a woman is said to have MADE LOVE to 136 TREES in a local park over the last 7 years! Special Branch are now investigating.
HEY MR.BIG SHOT
It was the swinging 60s and the 2 amazing weeks that the RASTA BEATLES got high on chemical substances. It was a time when the fab four: JUANA LEMMON, PAULY MYCARTSBROKE, RINGUMUP STARKERS and GEORGIO HARRYSON went apeshit for NORTHERN SOUL. It was their creative period of British Soul when they each turned out tunes like 'Paperback Soulwriter', 'All you need is wide baggies', 'Lucy in the sky with vinyl', 'The long and winding soul collection', 'Please,please me (and give me your records)', 'Northern Soul Wood', 'Strawberry fields for swapping sounds', 'Can't buy me a Larry Clinton'...and many more! KEEP ON SOULING DIDDY RASTA BEATLES!
START YOUR DAY WITH.....A ROTA
THERE WAS A TIME when GENE CHANDLER was the DUKE OF EARL for pulling the ladies. THERE GOES THE LOVER the girls used to whisper, FROM DAY TO DAY he must have made love to every PRETTY LITTLE GIRL on the block! LET ME MAKE LOVE TO YOU Gene would whisper to them, but eventually like all guys, he thought IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN and he married a girl...infact she was a rather large 20 stone lady! So big she made him wait till his wedding night for..you know what! But unfortunately on the night, he could'nt get his SOUL HOOTENANNY working! THINK NOTHING ABOUT IT she said, CHECK YOURSELF because I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF anyway. Yes, but I've always been MR.BIG SHOT said Gene and NO ONE CAN LOVE LIKE I DO! Well NOTHING CAN STOP ME he said and I CAN'T SAVE IT! So AFTER THE LAUGHTER they both tried again and sure enough, the marriage was consumated. 30 years later, they're still together, BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT that I would stick by you girl said Gene and IF YOU CAN'T BE TRUE... well find a part time love!
"actually Steve, it's Monday......but who give's a shit!"
WE GOT THERE FIRST..
SOUL TOURS IN IRAQ
Even explorers need their soul music...
Want something exciting in life?
Want to get out more but can't be bothered?
Want to sit back and watch the world change?
'IRAQ SOUL TOURS' will take you on a journey you'll NEVER forget! Travel through war torn IRAQ and visit old soul shops (well what's left of them anyway) Fire a few rocket launchers, shoot a few pedestrians, lob a grenade or two at passers by, pick a fight with the local kids. Your bus is totally bullet proof (but helmets are provided just in case) Yes..there's NOTHING like travelling on IRAQ SOUL TOURS!
