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Start Your Day.....With A Record (15)

Ok you lot...hands up if you think your silly? it's madness time once again and thought it was time for some more softness to pass the time of day (or night) and hopefully put a grin above your chin!

ALLNIGHTER CUSHION

Look's like he DIDN'T start his day with a record!

Can't stand the pace now your that bit older?
Wanna lie down but don't wanna miss the sounds?
Feel embarassed about sleeping at the club?
Now you can take your very own ALLNIGHTER CUSHION!
Lay down your head but don't miss what the dj said with your ALLNIGHTER CUSHION! Don't be shy...we'll all need one....one day.

OH NO...IT CAN'T BE?

Sorry, but I'm afraid it looks like recorditis, have you been handling lots of vinyl lately?

Soulies are staging a protest at the 'ban' of talcum powder at their local soul club. There's at least 1 accident a week from the 'dreaded white stuff' at the 'Line dancers' session the following nights . You just can't have any fun these days can you..

A UK soulie went to the USA and found 200,000 rare 45s and decided to bring them all back via a BARGE! I just hope it don't don't rain for the next 6 weeks or all those LABELS just might peel off..

German pole dancer SLAGGER OFFERBIT says "there's nothing like a good pole to practice on, mind you...Russians and English are not bad either!"

The new all-dayer craze between soul sessions is the soulful 'COCONUT SHY', this is where pics of soul artists are tied onto coconuts and you throw a ball and try and knock a coconut down, well I hope they put a pic of Barbara Mcnair onto one as I would'nt mind knocking HER off!

A local allnighter in Torquay Devon has been made to finish at 3.30am at the latest because when the sounds come on...the noise plays havock with his HEN'S laying time!

SHE'S SO CRUEL..

Elvis found alive and well living in a record room in Birmingham!

Former HELSINKI prostitute and ex-soul collecter GIMMEA BENDER has finally given up working in a BROTHEL after a client told her how much her Northern Soul record collection was worth! After 'selling up' she bought a villa in Spain and STILL lies on her back all day...sunbathing! Gimmea said: "It's funny, but you just can't seem to 'change your ways' can you!".

Sadie Pleasure from Ohio promised her husband if he'd STOP buying records' off Ebay for a month she'd get her suspenders out! So for a whole month he didn't buy one single 45. The end of the month came but all he found lying on the bed was...JUST the SUSPENDERS! Sadie said: "I said I'd get them out, not put them on!" You women can be SO cruel at times..

I'm gonna play Russian roulette, with 6 bullets in the gun..

Sorry, not tonight darling.

"UGLY KID MANSION"

She's always too busy?
She's always too tired?
She's always got a headache?
Why not make Friday's YOUR day?
Go on, treat yourself you've been working hard all day, why should'nt you have one? Shut the door, put your feet up and damn well HAVE ONE! You KNOW you deserve it!
So just remember...it's NORMAL!
HAPPY FRIDAY

You'll have to use your loaf to find them though!

Parents...do you cover your kids up on the bus and in the supermarket?
Fed up of all their crying through name calling?
Embarrassed to introduce YOUR kids to folk?
Ashamed to admit their YOUR blood?
Calling all parents with kids with repulsive looks, at last a place to send YOUR ugly kids for the weekend! There's no fear for any child here as they're all extremely ugly and 'will fit in with the crowd!' "UGLY KID MANSION" they'll want to stay there FOREVER! (that's also an option) Every need catered for and ALL mirrors are removed before they arrive, they'll wanna come back every weekend (you hope) Check us out now, there maybe a building near you?

Looks like he's screwed up again.

Only when you use the toilet.

Is this new urine drug dangerous doctor?

New Soul DJ 'Rocket' is making a name for himself playing some great new undiscovered 45s recently. When one soulie asked him why he quickly rushes home after his dj spot he said: "oh no reason, I just like to take off quick".

The new relaxation discovery for stressed out people! All you do is send for your free rat and read the instructions on how to squeeze him! Guarenteed to leave you relaxed after a 'good squeeze session '' Simply take out your anger on your rat and just squeeze the shit out of him (well not literally) Make him 'shudder and shake', make his 'eyesballs turn red', use both hands to 'stretch him' twice as long. After your free 4 week trial simply return your faithful friend for a complete REFUND! (rat must still be alive) Yes, it's SO simple just get in shape and get a rat today!

DON'T FALL ASLEEP!

Bet his feet are killing him?

Do you fall asleep while waiting for that ebay bid to end? Get rid of the ZZZZZ's and BLOODY WAKE UP!!!! How many good tunes have YOU missed lately?

MOMMM! There's a big spider on the stairs!

MGM = (M)ust(G)et(More) Northern Soul records.

Even top dj's are taking their Mom's with them on record buying trips as they can use there charm and they're great at negotiating deals! Yes...there's simply NO ONE like Mom is there!

You come down here RIGHT NOW young lady!

WIFE v GIRLFRIEND

I LOVE YOU MARTHA..

Some serious record collectors are taking a wife AND girlfriend to record fairs! The guy trains EACH of them to stand by a record box pretending to look through the boxes then simply TAKES OVER from either one of them when HE'S finished trawling through HIS box, hense triple the chance to find that rarity...IT PAYS TO BE BIGAMOUS!

A collector who could'nt be without his Martha & Vandellas collection decided to MELT them all down, bottle it and DRANK everyone of them! But after 2 weeks his wife had to call the doctor in, as every night she kept finding him dancing in the street...

It's said that Northern Soul collectors live LONGER than any other vinyl collectors, maybe we have a little more SOUL than they do?

NEED ANY COVERS?

Brother and sister Cudbi and Isshe Wong, reputedly the only Japanese soul collectors in the UK wanted to brighten up their records with felt pen by colouring ALL the labels with light colours, but unfortunately they all went a different shade! It just goes to prove don't it that 'two Wong's don't make a white'...

23 DEAD soul artists are to be DUG UP for one allnighter special, but rumour has it that no one is gonna turn up? so looks like it could be another dead soul night on the cards...

The wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said: "Well I need some more white cardboard sleeves for my records" she said: "well if that's all you want, you can have a dozen!" Women...they just don't understand do they..

SAY YES TO JEANS!

Anyone for a bit of supper?

A USA record warehouse owner is counting the cost after letting 3 UK soulies view his stock, he told them he'd do '4 45s for a $1.00' and they cleared him out within an hour! well...you know how we uk soul collectors love a bargain!

Allnighters are gonna be changing dress code shortly as soul girls will be urged to 'come in there jeans'. "We thought we'd make Saturday's special" said the manager and urge all the girls to 'come in their jeans'...Have to say I CAN'T WAIT for Saturday's folks!

Well hi there big boy..

Since discovering Northern Soul office worker Melanie Frontal even takes her box of 45s with her every day on the train! Every night on her return from work she gets them out for everyone to see, regulars said: "oh yes, we can't wait for her to get them out and show us"...can't for a minute imagine why can you?

Some Kung-Fu experts can even kick the shit out of FLY'S! Sadly though, some folk just get in the way..

COME ON OUT, I KNOW YOU HAVE IT!

The great new satisfying present for record auction losers!

Apparantly the USA goverment are hiding 1,000 spare copies of EVERY Northern Soul 45 EVER made in giant underground caves! The next thing they'll be saying is that they've even got flying saucers in there ha!

All new soul 45s are being issued with a BAR CODE on the label so that when you want to find that rarity, you simply punch in the code via the internet and it locates where that piece of plastic is hiding! So if you find a guy with a sound berger hammering on your door, PRETEND YOUR NOT IN!

START YOUR DAY...

A married couple who were BOTH northern soul collectors are finally getting divorced after 15 stormy years! The reason being the husband used to deliberately pick arguments with her because the first thing she skimmed at him was her soul 45s, only problem was, he never used to give her them back!

Auction sniper sites are charging SO much for using there 'snipes' to win records, that it will soon be cheaper to fetch the darn things yourself!

WITH A SMALL RECORD PLAYER!

Dunno about that?

BE FAITHFUL TO HIM...

WOW! NOW THAT'S A RECORD COLLECTION!

Unfortunately, soul collector Marty Pimple has so many records, his shelves are on their last legs, so dedicated wife Jessica stands there faithfully 'day in day out' and supports the shelves untill he gets home from work! "A woman should support her husband" said Jessica...(yes but it didn't say anything about record shelves though..)

FARRPP!! Oop's...hope they didn't hear that one over the mike!

Shit man! I might have won another Frank Wilson, but I AIN'T paying $20 postage to the UK!

OR THE LORD WILL KNOW IT

Enter your text here...

'The gas we pass, comes mainly from the ass'

OOP'S SLIPPED UP!

Mixie the kitten has finally been found after she went missing for a week!

Harry Biddlebum from Miami heard about some rare vinyl coming into his local record store but slipped down the steps in the mad rush, afraid it's gonna make 'looking through vinyl' a whole lot harder for him for the next month!

Mahogany Rotts the soul singer from Birmingham has given up shaking peoples hands on stage after she's been 'STUCK' in the same position for a whole month (not that any of the guys are complaining..)

START YOUR DAY....WITH A DANCE IN A FIRE!

Now that's what I call hot girls!

How tickled I am to find this tiny record player to play me Northern Soul records on!

PLEASE God..let me win that Van Dykes tomorrow!

Think I fancy a bit of pea soup today..

START YOUR DAY WITH..

Remember this is what could happen the next time you pick your nose..

all those who love PUSSY GALORE!

Some records while your holding your pussy..

Where's the damn oil Olive?

START YOUR DAY..

..with some Jamaican Cock Soup!

are just the dog's bollock's!

God..I just wish she'd use the toilet like everyone else!

IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY..

START YOUR DAY..

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN..

..with a bit of bush trimming.

..to listen to Soul music..

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN..

..now what was the place called again?

..recieving your first Northern Soul Pack!

Everybody SMILE!

..trying to find your favourite LP!

SORRY ROVER BUT...

When Your Outnumbered..

Sometimes it's better to just keep quiet!

When the vet says that they have to come off, then they HAVE to come off!

START YOUR DAY..

It's said that a lot of the backstreets in Chicago are 'no-go' zones, as recently a lot of crack has been seen lately!

Female DJ Lyn Pin from Wales was made to take off her vinyl collection as the plane weighed too HEAVY and could'nt take off!

With a FULL nappy!

"Look Rob, it's me or the records, which do you need the most?"

How does she do that?

Let's hear it for the wimps!

That's twice I've heard that said today!

Decisions..Decisions..

"OKAY OKAY dear, I promise NOT to buy any more records!"

Hope YOUR getting plenty of SAX..

These spray paints are damn good these days you know..

PROMISES..PROMISES..

Yeah..Yeah! but I suppose you've forgotten to bring them along and they're up in the loft somewhere?

Look kids..Just STOP and you will become aware of Northern Soul..

See kids...Mom and Dad were young once!

NOTHING my dear Watson...because some silly blighter has pushed all the damn middles out!

Well Holmes, how much do you value that U.S soul collection we've just looked at?

SOMETHING NEW TO DO!

your SUCH a tease..

Hi everyone, I just thought I'd show you my nuts!

All foreign women have now been given the go-ahead to REMOVE their veils to their husbands for at least once a week! This is due to one woman living in a house for 4 years...only trouble was, it was with the WRONG family!

Feeling Depressed?
On holiday with NO Northern sounds?
You brought the player but forgot the vinyl?
Don't despair, the NORTHERN SOULMAN is just a phone call away and will come to your rescue with a whole range of soul music, whether it be on vinyl, cd or tape, He has a good supply with him at ALL times that will keep you fullfilled until the week's over! Don't wait untill it's TOO late..subcribe NOW! (you never know just when you might need him..)

After winning a 4 year court battle, a 28 year old Los Angeles woman finally suceeded in suing 3 doctors after going in hospital for breast implants and then coming out with 42 breasts! The doctors have agreed to compensate her and finally admitted they'd boobed!

Piczo