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Start Your Day.....With a record (5)

With nothing better to do...I thought we should have a bit more fun with SYDWAR no.5...oh well, here we go again with some more sillyness....

Records Underground?

Joey the amazing singing budgie has got into the Guiness book of records for learning to sing 22 northern soul songs non-stop, he's now having a well deserved rest!

I've been learning our Felix a few chords lately and he's doing quite good!

Record collector Willie Gettit invites his whole family to help him dig for rare records after reading in his local newspaper that a record store had subsided without trace back in the 60s never to be seen again. - Tune back in 3 years to see if Willie found any rare vinyl!

Husband Sues Wife

Santa finds ultra rare 45 in his sack!

Worlds Ugliest Kid

A man sued his wife yesterday for distracting him from playing his records...can't imagine why for the life of me?

IF YOU'VE GOT A RECORD THAT YOUR MATE WANTS..

Apparantly back in the 50s women used to attract a partner by playing loud soul music through their front windows whilst in their suspenders...now THERE'S a good idea for reativation!

Apparantly his mother used to feed him with a catapult when he was a toddler.

Veiwers will shortly be getting a 24 hours soul channel...only problem is, subscribers must pay in vinyl records! THAT will decide who the REAL collectors are!

Man Found Hanged

Recent reports state that serious record collectors are now employing guards to watch over their valuable collections at home while they're out on record hunting trips! (there's nothing like feeling safe is there!)

It's marvelous what a trip to an allnighter can do for you!

Young music lover Needmore Grooves has shocked his mum & dad by having an operation to sew his portable cd player to his groin...because he was fed up of school bullies kicking him in the nuts everyday! The kids still pick on him, but now he just turns up his northern soul music when he sees them coming and starts singing 'I'm on my way'.

The unbelievable Bruce Lee shocks everyone by dancing on two rare northern 45s for an amazing TWO HOURS!...without either one getting a scratch!

African record collector Mustapha Bigwon was found hanged yesterday, his sister Megotta found him after she hadn't heard from him for 4 months, she said he'd been very depressed after losing 3 bids in a row on ebay the week before.

Rumour has it that ebay has opened it's doors to 'rebel' record bidders who file 'Item was not as stated' disputes against sellers....they hand them boxing gloves and the one left standing has his 'slate wiped' and gets back his 100% feedback again!

Did you say you were going to the allnighter tonight darling?

Well maybe not..

'Rambolt' the killer kitty decides being an 'ebay sniper' has it's disadvantages when one of his snipes goes dreadfully wrong!

The new 'Iron You' (eye-on-you) camera has been found attached underneath record hunters cars recently. It films routes to all their hidden record stores, then relays the routes back to the rogue dealers...naughty!

A collector has just found out who's been scratching all his records while he slept!

Record collecting can seriously damage your.. wallet!

Two unsuspecting moggies were seen playing with some rare vinyl found in a paper bag recently. The titles of these rare records are a closely guarded secret...but I suppose someone will 'let the cat out of the bag' eventually!

Northern
Soul
Records

A rare interview was recently found asking Marvin if he was actually gay? he replied "no way, but my boyfried is"

Soulie Alan Jones was worried about his newly fitted pacemaker yesterday, but doctors assured him that they would soon be "Turning his heartbeat up"

Oh well...You can't win them all..

Meet..Dr.Vinyl, the worlds very first 'record shrink'. Any problems with your records and Dr.Vinyl is at hand to sort out your questions. Tear a label...then Dr.Vinyl can put it right...need more white cardboard covers...then Dr.Vinyl always has some spare ones in the medicine cabinet. YOU CAN TRUST DR.VINYL...HE'LL SORT YOU OUT!

DOCTOR to female patient: "I'm afraid you have a big strawberry stuck up your bottom madam" PATIENT: "What should I do then doctor"?? DOCTOR: "Well I have some cream for it"

Introducing the new way of winning records on ebay...PRAYING! According to a New York vicar, by chanting "I need to win it" 200 times a day within the auctions 7 day period, it definately gives you a 90% chance of getting that rarity! All I can say really is "Lord, what's happening to our people"?

S.S.P's (Revisited)

A PRICE GUIDE OF RARE NORTHERN SOUL RECORDS THAT I HAVE AND YOU HAVEN'T BUT REALLY WANT.

Remember those S.S.P's I told you about back on 'Start Your Day No.3 page"?? Well these two gals slipped on their 'Sole Spin Pads' on back in 2003...and incredbly, they're still spinning! They're gonna have one MASSIVE headache when they stop that's for sure!

News just coming in that a West Virginia farmer recently purchased a box of old 45s from his local church hall to "throw at the crows" to stop them eating his crops. A record dealer who found out about the box of goodies took them home with him (after negotiating a deal with the farmer) and has spent the last 6 weeks scraping the bird shit off them all.

The New Wigan Casino

French soul fan Len DeHand pastes his whole collection on the walls of his house after a terrible argument with his wife, looks like..."Some thing's are better left unsaid"

The newly re-built Wigan Casino club opened it's doors for the first time last week, which included most of the original DJs appearing, the first 6 people through the doors where invited to have their pictures taken and recieve autographs from them and also if they liked, they could kiss their feet as well!

Collin Collins, a UK soul searcher on holiday in the USA, had spent his first days holiday record hunting, he then nipped out of his cab to buy a newspaper, but unfortunately when he returned, the traffic (and his cab driver) had moved along and the short sighted collector realised he'd got back in the wrong cab! He then spent the rest of his vacation trying to find his 'cabbie'. So if you find a big black box of 305 rarities on the back seat of a cab...spare a thought for C.C because..."You don't know what you've got until you lose it".

Better Late Than Never...

Get Better Soon..

Australian soulie Hogod Cantfindmeway heads back home dissapointed after she'd traveled more than 2,500 miles to attend Wigan Casino, only to find that it had burned down years ago! All I can say Hogod is that, "You've been a long time coming"!!

London soul fan Mike Hunt pushes a vinyl record along with his head for 15 miles to No.10 in protest against him being fined and arrested for playing his northern soul music too loudly. Mr.Hunt said yesterday that it didn't bother him about being fined, it was the fact that his cat had'nt had anything to eat all day!

Hey man..gimme wanna them crisps or I don't sing no more!

Soul collectors wife Cantake Muchmore screams in agony as her husband accidently drops his record case of 300 records on her foot! At the hospital doctors asked her what it felt like at the time and she replied, it felt like "A hundred pounds of pain"

You'll be lucky mate!

Start Your Day....With A Bath..

Just come back from a punishing allnighter? then you need a nice relaxing soak in your very own SOUL BATH. 5 different coloured buttons to push and relax to: RED=Big Beat Ballads/BLUE=Soft Shoe Shufflers/YELLOW=Top Ten Oldies/GREEN= Laid Back 80s/BLACK=Crossover Goodies. Each button will fit your ever changing mood. In the showrooms NOW!

Various Soul Clubs..

Would'nt you just LOVE one!

A warning from the one above!!

Only 89 years to go!

I'm Com'un Knome In The Morn'un

Martial Arts star attends allnighter!

Spocks Secret out!

At long last, Mr Spock has admitted he's a glove puppet fan! May he and Sooty live long and prosper!

Damme, that Van can dance!...KTF Claude!!

Japanese soul song writer Hurri Up Inventit composes her latest northern soul song "Allnighters are alright with me" and performs it live at the 100 club ONE HANDED! ...she like likes to scratch her arse with the other one!

man walks into an allnighter disquised as an LP!

Boyatt Hurts the inventor of headbanging shows us how it SHOULD be done!

Ex Motown star Gladys Knight checked into a California drugs clinic last week to spend 4 days trying to kick a cocaine habit. When asked if she'd be ok she repied: "I'll be fine as long as someone can help me make it through the nights"

me too...that's why I never get anything done!

Fitness fan Victoria Duck gets her own back on her cheating husband Donald by crushing some of his records under her execise ball...after finding him in bed with Minnie Mouse! Well Don... "That's no way to treat a girl" is it?

A SLOTH becomes the worlds first DJ to gig in the uk, unfortunately soul fans got fed up and walked out after it took him 7 hours to play two records!

What can I say!!

A man is thinking of suing his employers after 10 years as a DJ after growing a 'Hump' on his back....he said it also spoiled his other pastime 'CAMPING', but his wife has solved this problem by scraping a two foot hole out of the ground on his side of the tent!

Ebay held it's first outdoor auction for 'gun' collectors in Sweden last weekend, but many bidders did'nt attend due to rumours that a sniper was going to turn up at the last minute!

Doctors have a theory that playing northern soul to infants will ensure the kids will be good dancers when they grow up! - What will be next... musical nappies?

BIG cat spotted?

A row has broken out recently on a 'grow your own cabbage patch kid' at home scheme. Doctors of genetics have now agreed that things are getting in a bit of a stew and are trying to make ends meat!

A man walked into a hospital the other day without a head! When doctors asked where it was, he wrote down...his friend had told him a funny joke the day before and he laughed his head off!

A big cat has been spotted recently around the docks of New York, people are being asked NOT to feed him if they spot him, as he may be dangerous! (ha ha.. how could a cat be dangerous?)

me too...but it's hard to drive at the same time!

so does my computer...

A Japanese DJ was 'CAUGHT' by his neighbours below yesterday despite falling 12 floors after his bored girlfriend Wey Mee threw his 3 favourite Clydie King records out of a highrise building yesterday. When asked why she did it she cried...I was MISSIN' MY BABY because MY LOVES GROWS DEEPER for him and I knew he could'nt get hurt because HE ALWAYS COMES BACK TO ME! (I'm afraid ONLY THE GUILTY CRY and IF YOU WERE A MAN Wey Mee, I'd have called you quite a few words!)

A guy from a Chicago snooker hall wins a $100 bet from his mates after shoving three of their pool balls in his mouth! (that'll teach them to keep HIS mouth shut!)

Sleepless Nights...

A one armed Japanese girl has been making a fortune from letting her 'ARMPIT' hairs grow long. For $1.00 a record, she'll clean your 45s for you with her 'hairy pits' and collectors now say their 45s have never sounded so good! - Have to say I can't see any arm in it myself...

I'm afraid we just can't please the older generation can we...

I Don't Need No Doctor (do I?)

Face Up To The Truth..

Where Ever You Were

Soul searcher John Will Grabbitt amazes U.S dealers in record stores by nibbling carrot after carrot whilst out on his nightly record hunting trips in the big apple. Asked how he can eat so many he replied: "Well they help me to see New York in the dark".

'Record breaking' news has just come in that 4,000 soul collectors in England fainted the other day when a top model was asked how she keeps her legs in trim, she replied "Oh that's easy...I stamp on my deceased husbands rare soul records, it's great for your thighs" Most chemists accross the UK have now all run out of smelling salts!

'Blind' soulie Nigel Nogood was eventually found safe just 10 miles away from home and still trying to get a lift home from Wigan Casino...after his guide dog ran off and left him stranded 30 years ago! - He said to his mom yesterday...well mom, "You got me where you want me now".

Dog get's eaten by a shark!

Veronica Chest...the worlds rarest northern soul lady dj was talking about her rare soul records to a dealer the other day, when he asked her what her rarest two records were? She replied: "Oh I can't remember, but I've got a couple of big one's"....Yes Veronica, we can see that!

Foot Stomping Music

Touch me daddy's records again and I'll smash your face in kid!

Hey girls...see that? I've kicked many a record producers butt with that foot, only trouble is...the last producer still has my shoe still stuck up his arse!!

A young female 'LEOPARD' is being trained to dj at future all-nighters. News reporters asked her trainer if she was doing well and he said: "Yes great! give her about 6 months and she will knock spots off the top dj's"

Piczo