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Start Your Day.....With A Record (7)

I just could'nt resist it could I....more soulful madness for all us fruit cakes!

SSSSSSNAKES ALIVE!

A snake swallowed it's owner whole yesterday (who also just happened to be a soul collector..) His wife said: "one minute he was playing his 45s, the next time I looked, him and his record collection was gone" Just goes to prove even snakes have good taste!

Snowy the dog has had to go to the vet, because he's finally turned 'black' after 10 years of licking his owners records! Best to keep your mouth shut next time snowy!

New Northern Soul collector Timmy Notsure came into 2,000 rare USA soul records last week, but was said to be very dissapointed....because all the middles were missing..

New Allnighter Craze!

Even Superman had his pastimes!

The new craze to hit allnighters...Armpit Sniffing Competitions! Judges whiff their pits at the end of the night and the one with the smelliest pits gets the latest Kent anniversary single. Needles to say collectors are dancing there hearts out!

Some vinyl is just TOO good to share!

Ghost in his House?

Wife in Prison...

Just fa..fa..farted mom!

A young Iraq soul collector was 'Exorcised' last week by the church after he played his favourite R.Dean Taylor 45 for up to 16 hours a day! His neighbours had a whip round to hire an exorcist to drive out the 'soul demons' after they nearly all cracked up! Friends say he's now 90% cured because he now only plays records by The Bay City Rollers!

A woman reported seing a 'hand' in the ocean yesterday but the coastguard soon reasured her: "don't worry madam...it's only a wave"

A woman in Manchester was today starting a prison sentance for blowing up her husbands soul collection. When the judge asked why? she said: "well it was my turn to put the cat out that night".

(R.F.R) Record Finder Remote

Soul collectors are flocking to 'Barbara's food bar' in Detroit to EAT OFF rare vinyl records! Only problem is...no one will lend her anymore because customers keep walking out with the damn things!

Lydia Bumble has just returned from the vet's and has found out why her record collection was going down!

The best vinyl invention ever! Want to find certain records at a record fair FAST...without even looking! Yes collectors, it's true! Simply key in any USA or UK soul label in your RFR, point it at any stall you like, and if the seller has them, it will pick up a signal for records on that label in his box...SIMPLY AMAZING! Find those rare gems at record fairs (even if there under the table!) Piss everyone off by walking out the fair with a big fat juicy pile of Northern Soul gems! NEVER GO FAR WITHOUT YOUR RFR!!

This person has realised what they'd just forgotten..and that was to remember not to forget something they'd thought of the day before!

Blonde riding a horse!

Ben Ditshut a bush tracker from Kentucky managed to find the elusive Ebay Head Quarters last week. Tracker Ben & his wife have made a secret route map and will be auctioning it off next month....on Ebay!

New Ebay System..

Ebay have just unveiled their new bidding system. If you don't bid on at least 8 items a month, you lose one feedback each month! (looks like you 100% ebayers are in for a shock..ha..ha!) So when you gotta bid...you just gotta bid!

Why DO they glue £1.00 coins to toilet floors?

Apparantly 3 special soulies have been invited to go to an allnighter at Buckingham Palace!

Wigan Train Station

This great big fat pigeon just flew over and shit in my right eye!

yeah...it WAS worth it!

Girl Found Murdered

Once again the Romans got in there first!

A man walked into a police station and handed in a big pile of USA northern soul 45s. "I just found these" he said. 'well if they're not claimed in 10 days, you can keep them' said the police officer. "Oh I only collect UK soul labels" said the man....Now is that honesty or stupidity?

A young girl was recently found murdered with two of the country's top sounds on her body. Police say they must have been a couple of killer sounds!

TOO RIGHT! Who wants to see wafer thin girls? Let's hear it for the 'non-so-skinny" gals! Anyway...they're more fun!

Records Found Safe

A sexy 25 year old brunette with a veluptuous 36-25-34 figure, recently found wealthy indian soul collector Sandeep Singh's stolen record collection hidden in the back of a van. Single Sandeep was so overjoyed, that he gave the brunette an ELEPHANT as a thank you! "I just wanted to give her something BIG of mine as a thank you" he said yesterday: Yes Eddie...we BET you did!

MOTHS have taken a taste for record collections lately, with collectors buying in lots of MOTH BALLS to try and stop them nibbling their vinly...only problem is, you've got to have a damn good aim to hit one of the little buggers with one!

A down and out in Los Angeles recently found another original copy of Frank Wilson in a charity shop...the next morning, he found 200 soulies waiting outside his tent in the local park waving money at him! (Must be great to be popular?)

Now we know how the yanks push the holes out in their 45s...

An amourous record collector bragged to his girlfriend that he was so 'gentle' when they made love, that he offered to prove it to her by making love to her whilst lying accross his record collection! I've heard of taking risks, but this is going TOO far!

Another new sport has just come to light: RECORD BOWLING! Somehow I just don't think this one will catch on...

Yes.. Teddy Bears have their hearts in all the right places!

Teenage school leavers are changing their minds after one local Detroit school offered FREE soul 45s if they stayed on an extra year! The headmaster said: "We've never had so many pupils wanting to stay on at school"...

'Major' the moggie has given up chasing mice to become a full time dj.

A girl born with FOUR arms is carving out a career as a dj. Unfortunately the other dj's see her as a threat to their proffession and probably see her as 'armed and extremely dangerous'.

Housewife Pamela Roughneck decided to collect Northern Soul records and has never looked back since! She said: "I can't stand the music really, but it sure as hell beats doing the washing and ironing"

The world famous CAPITOL RECORDS building has now got SO MANY records inside, that nine floors have sunk below the surface! That's some HEAVY soul fact!

Naughty Herbert..

'Herbert' the record store cat has been sacked after he was caught red handed trying to steal a box of records!

It's a fact of life..

A father baught his three kids 150 old Detroit records to SPRAY PAINT!! Let's hope SOMEONE took all the best one's out first!

Expensive Day Out?

2 year old little Tommy Stickarse got into a bit of mischief the other day when he got hold of his dad's favourite LP! He made his parents promise to take him and his sister to Disneyland before he'd let go of the precious vinyl! (little bas....!!)

From now on, all RECORD FAIRS are going to be charging a staggering £100 entrance fee!! Organisers say: "At least that way, we can offer ALL the Northern Soul 45s cheap" Looks like I'll be collecting TEA-POTS from now on!

FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE!

Weird But True..

A new medicine is now in the chemists for collectors who lose their bids on auction sites. It's guarenteed to get you back on track again!

The 'FEAR FACTOR' TV show has challenged any soulie accross the world to collect as many 45s as they like out of a room. Only problem is, is that they've released 10 Black Widow Spiders in there too! Right then...Who's the bravest soulie in the land??

Soul Going Cheap?

A near naked girl decided to lay on vinyl for a whole week....is that a record?

Start your day...
With counting!

Local prostitute Mandy Makemsweat is selling off her rare soul records at her flat due to a 'bad year' on the streets. Looks like there's bargains to be had...that's if she'll let you out again after!

Toddler Shane Napkin has amazed his parents by learning to count to a 100 on his Dad's LP's! Must say they're braver than me letting him 'touch the plastic'.

Apparently, women get turned on by playing records in their suspenders? I don't know about that, but I'm buying the wife a whole load of NYLONS and leaving them on the stereo TONIGHT!

Attempted Murder?

Felicity Gottahavem has admitted to being 'addicted' to sniffing vinyl records! She said: "I can't help it, I just LOVE the smell of vinyl" And smokers thought THEY had it bad!

Too Many Allnighters?

A woman after her husbands life insurance, rolled his northern records off a cliff hoping he would follow them. He did...but was saved by a narrow ledge 30ft down. Rescuers said: "he must have kept his faith, as his SOUL was with him at the time"...

Tiny Sing Sing Smith from Malaya finally got his birthday present today...a 17ft ANACONDA! "He's always wanted one" said his mum..."I just wished he'd asked for a bike like any other kid" Oh well...at least bath time's fun for him!

AHH!! THAT'S where hedgehogs live

Attended too many allnighters recently?
Can't stop going to venues?
Is the soul music still ringing in your ears?

Then all you need is SOUL PATCHES (S.P's) It's just like trying to stop smoking! You simply stick them on your arm and they gradually let you come off that 'late night' period and let you slip back into a more 'sociable' time pattern.
No more CLAWING AT THE DOOR to get to allnighters!
No more LYING TO THE WIFE because you want to go hear that rare vinyl!
No more TIRED EYES from staying up late!
S.P's help you come off nighters GRADUALLY! It gives a whole new meaning to soul patches. No more HANG UP'S with SOUL PATCHES! Stick one on NOW! Feel at ease with S.P's!!

I just got a BIG bogie out my nose...wanna see it?

Cat Smuggler Caught...

There's nothing like a night out with the lads...

12 year old Millie Sausage finally manages to come off the toilet after an incredible EIGHT DAYS after eating some contaminated stuffing from her Dad's sunday dinner! she said yesterday: "I just did crosswords and my eyes feel a bit strange, but otherwise I feel fine" (Maybe best to let Mum do the dinners in future Millie!)

A giant tortoise has finally been found out after he'd been smuggling CATS in the country for the last 50 years!

A guy falls while trying to break a pile of Soul 45s on a TV show...Once again, the strength of Northern Soul is upon us!

In Pakistan, Seeher Squirt the female indian trainer hoses down the elephants in a her 'special' way! She said yesterday: "I eat three currys in a row and then just...let off steam!" (Phew! thank goodness that's ALL it is!)

Me too...but that was 38 years ago!!

Sometimes you just can't help getting crap off other people..

A 6'2 bear in Manhattan danced on a pile of soul 45s for 2 HOURS without even knocking one over!

Northern Soul...it's simply ALWAYS on the tip of your tongue..

A woman BOILED all her boyfriends soul records because he spent too much time at allnighters instead of paying HER any attention (Guess you'd better heed the warning guys..)

Naomi Ballsweater could'nt believe it when her husband told her he'd just paid £2,000 for a Northern Soul record!

Now THAT'S cruel..

Latest Tampax Ad.

Wow! unbelievably bad taste or what?

You would'nt get this if you were married...true?

Got A Tissue Friend?

I wonder where he puts the speakers?

Always Keep Your Promises..

Have the ride of your life!

Of course a man's best friend...is his dog!

RIDE FASTER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!

The Lord Love's Us All..

When Spins Go Wrong!

William Liar was pulled from a Mississippi lake by river police, for making love to a CATFISH! Mr.Liar said: "I was swimming along, when this big fish started trying to mate with me" Yes Billy, of course it did ...I suppose it was the one that DIDN'T get away?"

After attending his FIRST allnighter in the UK, 22 year old Mahat Macoat from India get's back home to show off his newly aquired NORTHERN DANCER SPINS!...but unfortunately he slipped on a banana skin and ended up head first in a hole in the path! Two hours later he was pulled out safely by passsers by, and said: "I'm fine ...and luckily my turban wasn't damaged either"

Looks like he love's some MORE than others though!

I am the greatest!

Sometimes it's just not your day is it?

Gilbert La Beat from France was warned by his wife that he'd collected TOO MANY records over the years and that their car would'nt stand the weight! (Just remember this guys the next time you move house!)

Mohammed Ali has finally admitted who his first sparring partner was back in the 60s..

World's Ugliest Baby..

Rockin' granny Iris Bollockem from Glasgow, has decided being retired is too boring, so she's formed her own 4 piece granny rock band 'The Old Sluts' and is currently taking bookings for gigs...though she does insist that they all have their separate glasses for their TEETH back in the dressing room!

Rugby Practice..

New born tot Frankie Stein had to be moved out of his hospital ward to another room yesterday, because he kept the other babies up crying all night! Nurses said: "he's that ugly...that even his mother has to breast feed him in the dark!"

A record collector recently put 12 45's in his mouth in one go, and then gave up because...he thought he'd broken the record..

Missing Boy Found Safe!

Ha Ha! UK collectors pay HOW much for those Northern Soul records? Ho Ho Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee!!

Isn't it heart warming to see the older generation playing with their grandchildren!

A 7 year old boy thought to have gone missing was recently found safe and sound hiding in his own cellar! He said yesterday: "daddy plays jokes on me all the while, but went too far this time when he hid our pet doberman in my bed at bedtime!"

I must remember...
I must remember...
I must remember...
I must remember...

When Pidgeons Attack!

I suppose we're ALL entitled to one good laugh in our lives..

Now you know how your car windscreen gets splattered so good!

Soulie Nigel Dimblebat was recently REFUSED from putting his whole Northern collection up for auction on Ebay, the reason...he'd forgotten to leave feedback for his last 30 buyers! (Come on Nigel...nobody's THAT forgetful) So does anyone out there know..."How to make a sad man glad?"

H.R.H Queen Elizabeth has heard about the record collections being stolen the past month in her area and is not taking ANY chances with hers! She was recently seen patroling Buckingham Palace the other evening. (always best to keep on top of things mam!!)

Having plenty of friends...

Brand New Music!

Ralph Zeebra from Africa has just discovered NORTHERN SOUL music and is currently spreading the word around his village playing his soul music at all hours! The neighbours have since complained though, because the noise is disturbing their goats, who now won't produce milk untill after 12pm!

A brand new invention should be in the shops shortly, the CD CASSETTE player! Not only does it play your tapes, just flick a switch and it plays your cds as well! Simply plug into your car cigarette lighter & you get the best of both worlds! So dig out all those old cassettes you had and play away! - Have your way and reactivate the C90 TODAY!

Fanny Muldoch from Philadelphia is still exercising at 87 years old! We caught up with her yesterday inbetween her daily 2 mile run and she said: "I love running, yoga and picking my nose" - Best to keep plenty of tissues at hand Fanny just incase it starts to run while your out jogging!

Piczo