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Start Your Day.....With A Record (8)

We've just got to have another laugh haven't we! More side splitting sillyness to get you through the day!

No To Allnighters?

These are the first ever pics of vinyl records from outer space and found on planet Mars! (must say they seem a bit Alien to me..)

Apparantly girls in Scandinavia would rather drink beer than go to allnighters with their boyfriends! Must be because they have big ones over there (beer glasses that is..)

Are you thinking what I'm thinking fellas?

Stick Together..

Tibby the cat has finally found out what this Northern Soul business is all about!

Super glue is finally put to the test!

People in London have been told to watch out for an usually large spider which escaped from a science lab, though for some reason, this woman never reported the attack?

This is a leaflet I had through my letter box recently (Honest!) Simply hand over Gordon all your banking files/private reciepts/personal credit data etc..(for a fee!!) and he'll save you lots of time by shredding it all for you (of course he'll be doing this blindfolded and wont peep at all..) Wonder how many phone calls he got?

Ok Ok kid...it was just a joke!

75 year old Elsie Buttberger from Wolverhampton was banned from attending the old peoples day center she attends for a WEEK yesterday..for 'breaking wind' at meal times. She said: "I cor elp it, it's all those gray pays thay keep dishin out, I just LOVE EM!"

Chickens watching a horror movie!

I've heard that nuns are supposed to have sexy legs?

Goodbye Cruel World..

After an Argument..

Max 'the wax' Spindle, commits suicide after loosing 34 ebay bids in a row! Unfortunately (for him) it was found out his wife (who he'd asked to put the snipes on) had been out playing bingo at the time.

"Yes dear...of course I've forgiven you for forgetting my birthday, you can come in now"

Worlds smallest man found!

Bit Of Bad Luck..

Have you ever felt...your just not getting anywhere in life?

Sometimes it's just not your day is it!

She Just Don't Play Fair!

Police said yesterday: A man was found to have watched a female neighbour through his telescope up to '10 times a day' playing her records..according to his diary. Can't imagine why for the life of me?

A girl from Southampton was found to have eaten her boyfriends whole record collection! (Just goes to prove...there's STILL some tasty sounds out there!)

Happy Go-Lucky..

Did you stay up late last night?

Yes..I'm a night owler..

A fed up wife put her 'boozing' husbands soul collection on every step of their stairs! She said: "That should stop him puking up on my carpet every Saturday evening"

Collectors scattered when they thought a man apprehended by police was hiding a BOMB in his rucksack..only to find he had a John Manship price guide and a cheese sandwich! After his release 10 minutes later, reporters asked him if he was going to 'complain to the police' which he replied: "why no, no-one else would come near me for hours in the record store and I got loads of bargains!" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A REAL BARGAIN HUNTER!

"Stick a rabbit on your head mate, it will look like hare from a distance!"

Doctor to patient: "The BAD news is that we've had to take both your legs off".. the GOOD news is "at least your sister can wear your sandals!"

New Allnighter Craze!

Get that damn thing out of my back!

Stand out in a crowd...paint yourself with GLOW IN THE DARK PAINT! Find your friends easily in dark corners of that allnighter..GREAT FUN!

Now you know what to get him for christmas! Simply pop your £5.00 cheapie in the machine and 2 mins later...it turns into a £500 original rarity..AMAZING STUFF!

Come on you cow..JUST TOUCH IT ONCE THEN!

Missed The Bus..

"Your looking a little brown James?"

Larry Williams & Johnny Watson ran to catch a bus, but it pulled off before they could board it! "Hey man" shouted Larry to the driver, "why can't you wait for us?" The driver said: "sorry, but your TOO LATE and it was TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE today! Well YOU ASKED FOR ONE GOOD REASON did'nt you..

Relax With ARRHHH!

A woman was banned from keeping a cat for ten years after she bathed her moggie up to 7 times a day! "I do like my pussy to smell sweet" she told the judge..."I bet you do madam...your pussy must be wet for most of the day" he said: who then fined her £100.

Feeling low all the time?
Kick the dog as soon as you get home?
Spit at the budgie?
Keep losing all those ebay bids?

Then you need new ARRHHH TABLETS! A simple pick-me-up taken with water and guarenteed to settle your nerves and make you COME ALIVE again! No need to take it out on the kids or ever snarl at the neighbours again. Made in Africa from Zebras testicles, these tablets are a world wonder! The tablets that make you go....ARRHHH!

After a 20 year search, Russian record collector Ilick Mechops was so excited at finally finding his favourite record that he didn't notice a giant dog turd outside the record store and slipped and broke his arm (I suppose it could have been worse...he could have broken the record!)

Lose ebay bids on your computer because it's too slow?
You click but it just wont go?
You set your snipe but it fails?
Your dial up disconnects at that crucial moment?

Then you need to learn the art of 'CBT' (Computor Bashing Technique) and SIMPLY BASH THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR COMPUTOR!! ...IT'S GREAT FUN!

Turn onto the good stuff..

It's always nice to have someone to watch your back...

These kids are so ugly that:

Mothers feed them with a catapult..
Their toys run off..
Nurseries bolt the doors..
Polythene bags are supplied at birth..
Zoo's ban them incase they frighten the animals..
Locks are encouraged on bedroom doors..

Yeah...but it looks and sounds better in the uk!

Who says flying is'nt fun!

Raccoon Booby Trap..

"Surprise darling!!"

Girls...are you fed up of staying in?
Your fellas gone to another allnighter again?
Left at home with the kids?

Simple solution...teach him a lesson and EAT HIS RECORD COLLECTION!
YUM YUM TUMMY!

"he used to give me that Jewish grin"
"when I stroked and tickled his ....."

Guys are saying that when Jean Gazonkas from Walsall plays them at pool, she puts them off when she bends down to shoot. For the life of me I can't understand how a pair of earings could put anyone off?

Army's around the world have been given special target setting...and here's the target!

A woman in China was said to have given birth to just an EYE! Sadly the bad news is...it's blind..

Alien's Within Us?

A checkout guy at Sainsburys was found to be 'not of this earth'...when he went beserk when a woman gave him too many 'money off' coupons last week...Shoppers BEWARE!

Moth enthusiasts are flocking to see Jacob Behindyou, as he's been found to have 3 rare indian tiger moths nesting in his afro! He's also been warned NOT to have his hair cut for the next 12 weeks!

Jesus walked into a Holiday Inn hotel in Jerusalem with his cross on his back, threw 3 nails on the lobby counter and said: "Can you put me up for a couple of nights?"

The New Soul Book EVERYBODY Wants!

Stop bragging and just send all your northern soul records over here!

Apparantly this is only available in nudist camps!

He's Got It Licked..

Even famous Football clubs are aware of Northern Soul!

Toilet Satisfaction!

Hey You!..Put That 45 Back!

Guys are falling over each other to use these new urinals in Germany!

The great new delicacy for your cat...new MOUSICLE'S! Treat him now...you know he deserves it!

CCTV cameras have now been fitted at all the major allnighters, with secret agent soulies carrying tiny hidden cameras in their soul bags. THAT should make vinyl thieves think twice! (if only eh?)

Small Players Only Please!

Dedicated Soulies..

A new use has been found for Northern Soul Slowies and Beat Ballads..."The over 60s Slowcoach Club". Now soulies who just 'can't let go' of their soul roots, can still dance the night away but at a more 'gentle pace'...don't give up the music... take life easier and be a SLOWCOACH!

Can't grasp the vinyl properly?
Find you have too many fingers?
Can't flick though 45s in boxes?

Simple solution...Prove you're a true soulfan and be a man and just CUT A COUPLE OFF!

Small record players are desperately wanted for the worlds smallest allnighter being held on a tiny boat on the island of 'Falloff', so called because at the last one, everyone DID fall off the boat due to lack of space!

Where Were They?

Fun On Kids Day Out..

Don't be the 'middle man', get out there and find some new northern sounds...TODAY!

Apparantly no one turned up for the recent Temptations Football reunion? Yesterday a Motown spokesman said: "It was just a ball of confusion"

There's nothing like a spot of welding at the kids play center..

Of course you can come for Sunday tea....what was your name again?

There's always one isn't there..

I should have discovered this Northern Soul music years ago!

The NEW cereal for moggies!

You god damn fool...I TOLD you we drive on the OTHER SIDE over here!

Perhaps you could have a go first, instead of me?

A woman who BREAST FED a fish for 12 months finally said goodbye to him last week...at a tearful farewell, the woman's jealous husband bought a big bag of chips and they ate him for tea!

Fisherman Menny Pike from Ireland nearly had a heart attack when his new 'ebay win' arrived yesterday. He thought he'd won a small model of a great white shark, but found it to be a real living 18ft shark from Australia! It arrived in a massive tank on the back of a lorry. "I just don't know where I'm going to put him" he said yesterday: "I wondered why the postal charges where so high!"

A soul collector returned his ebay win of more than 200 soul originals back yesterday....because the pressings are now fetching MORE than the originals!

Amazingly, Tony Blair was found to be related to Linda Blair of Exorcist fame. Linda has invited him to stay for a week at her apartment. A spokeman for Linda said yesterday: "She'll probably 'thow up' a party or two for him"

USA soul 45s are getting so rare, that collectors are only using them once..then putting them away for years...Let's hope they don't do that with the women..

The Magic of
Dean Courtney

Don't Forget Me..

Give yourself something to do on that long car journey..

Once upon a time, Dean fell in love with a girl named TAMMY but after a few years she left him, so he wrote her a note saying LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL and you know I'LL ALWAYS NEED YOU, but I thought WE HAD A GOOD THING? - TAMMY, you're also probably thinking I BET'CHA CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND?...but listen girl, TODAY IS MY DAY and I was going to play you MY SOUL CONCERTO! and do you know what? YOUR ALL I'VE GOT, so please come home.. (Now was'nt that a nice story!)

Rodney..one of the uk's biggest cats was so sad at being left behind on holiday last year, that he's decided to book his place early this year..

Blame it on the Bogie!

Hey you guys...
Want to be the envy of all your friends?
Want to be irresistable to all the ladies?
Want to really stand out in a crowd?

Then you need all new SOUL GLO! The new hair gel that girls can't resist....just "Spray and go" to that disco and trot around that dancefloor! You'll have ladies lining up with that irresistable smell. Each tin of spray captures the hormones smell from 50 male and female indian dung beetles which only mate once every 3 years, so you REALLY need to get your spray FAST!
Be a HIT, be a FLIRT, be a STAR! and go-go-go with SOUL GLO!

Angela Snot from Chicago gets in the Guiness book of records for 'shooting' the 2 longest bogies ever at a baseball match...two staggering 7" monsters! Luckily the guy in front of her was wearing his cap back to front!

Like my new shoes I've baught for my holidays...I call them my 'Texas Chainsaw Shoes'.

Filing Can Be Fun!

A great new chat up line guys..

How I WISH I'd gone to work in an office..

Asda Redundancies?

A checkout girl with SIX hands has made several staff redundant because she can 'sort till money', 'scan the goods' and 'bag them up'....all at the same time!

A footballer was pronounced d.o.a at a hospital today after a vicious tackle in the penalty area, police said they may treat it as foul play..

Piczo