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Time out for some more silly time for all you fruit & nutcases out there! (I feel so much better knowing I'm not on my own wearing this straight jacket..)
My new text...
Sweet Dreams Felix..
Keep On Dancing Dobie!
Dobie Gray recently went to the doctors and told her: Doctor, when I go to discos IN HOLLYWOOD, I just can't help but go all OUT ON THE FLOOR..how can I stop making a fool of myself at my age? Ahh! said the female doctor..I see you still like being with THE IN CROWD! Take these 32 tablets, spin round twice and then stand on your head for 2 hours and you'll probably just DRIFT AWAY. But that could kill me, said Dobie...Yes she said, but WHAT A WAY TO GO! O.K said Dobie, I'll try them. But don't forget she said: Once swallowed...HONEY YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK!....Right, I'm off now said the doctor, I'll probably SEE YOU AT THE GO-GO tonight and don't worry about the cost of this treatment...I'll CHARGER it to your account!
It's a well known fact that our Felix love's his soul music..
Pile Problems?
Flat Phobia?
Just What The Doctors Ordered!
Patient to doctor: Doctor, I have to keep staightening everything out all the while and it's driving me mad! Doctor: "Don't worry my dear..take these 3 tablets and roll them out flat...that should level things out for a while".
Doctors in Australia are now prescribing 'Northern Soul sessions' and they're saying 70% of patients are now getting back to a FULL recovery! You simply go in a room for an hour and the doc sticks some of the rarest Northern sounds around on and within 3 days...a full recovery is expected! THE POWER OF SOUL MUSIC IS WITHIN US! (Judging by this pic...even the docs are getting in on it..)
Still got those pile problems?
You itch at embarassing times?
Then you need Dr.Ointment's ROTTIT!! the new pile stopper that kills them in days! One dab on those little nasties and they shrivell into a heap. Remember..buy it, squirt it, ROTTIT! No more piles for miles!
Kinky Farmer?
What A Relief!
Tarzan's Records?
My new text...
A farmer was said to have made love to every one of his 200 chickens! The chickens are all ok, but his wife can't understand why he's gone off eggs for breakfast?
When Tarzan died, record collectors were excited when "Jane" handed 400 records over to a charity store in South Africa...but northern soul collectors were more than dissapointed when they were found to be only "Jungle music"...
A soul collector went to the doctors the other day and the doctor told him he had C.R.C.S (Compulsive Record Collecting Syndrome) "How long have you been collecting Northern Soul records" asked the doctor? "Oh about 30 years" said the collector. "Then you have around 10 years left" said the doc: "What before I die?" said the collector: "NO, NO, about 10 years collecting" said the doc! "They're getting rarer now you know!".
Start Your Day...
OK you two kids, fancy a party?
Your Childs Health Matters!
With A Record!
Is your kid a smoker?
VINYL TREES!
Bit Of A CD Problem?
Soulful Dilema?
Three Soul experts are trying to decide how to stop people from copying vinyl records onto cd/tape....SOMEBODY SHOOT THEM!!!!!
WOW! Now you can GROW your own vinyl records! Simply plant the tree and within 3 months, you should have have a vinyl treasure trove in your back yard! GUARD THEM WELL COLLECTORS!
A wife has threatened to leave her husband because he's collected so many cd's, that they can't even open the living room door! Plus eveytime he goes out for a newspaper, he come's back with a cd instead.. (beware collectors!)
..and one day, there will be something called.. Round Black Records!
Elvis Found Alive And Well!
If you're out of work, then you can't argue with that!
Elvis has been found alive and dee jaying Northern Soul at Blackpool's pleasure beach! Hear him spin "Are you lonesome in Detroit", "Jailhouse Soul", "Return to Michigan", "Blue suede soul badges", "The girl of my best allnighter"...plus many more..
Damn! he'd just won the national lottery too..
New Champion!
World's Biggest Tot!
Charlie Regrub has set a new world record for sticking 4 burgers in his mouth! People are now saying he's the new Burger King..!!
Who for?
New Loo!
BIG BABY
Russia's biggest baby YESSIR IMSOBIG is growing so fast, he's unbelievable! His mom said yesterday: "his dad was bouncing him on his lap the other day, when he landed so hard...he broke my husbands leg!" Plus: "the cat don't stand a chance when he's trying to ride him" also: "we found him dragging his 6 year old sister around the living room last night" oh well...at least he's healthy!
3 Legged Footballer!
Free 'open to the public' showers have now been opened in the USA. The state of Chicago is all for 're-cycling' water if they can! They're called "Pee-Porta-Showers".
Animals Have Fun Too..
New Sport!
The world's only 3 legged German footballer ISCOREM ANYWAY who recently signed for Man UTD. has been banned already from away matches, because the opposition has complained that he has an 'unfair advantage' after scoring 20 goals in 12 matches! His mom said yesterday: "he had this problem in the 3 legged race back in school, as he used to win it by himself".
Nothing like taking your child to an animal park!
NAKED bungee jumping.. Probably the only reason I'd give up soul collecting...
Sad Japanese Story..
Insect Problem?
"LOOK! everyone...you can see my house from up here"
Japanese collectors wait patiently at the airport for USA collector Bill Igothemall, who bought a box full of 2,000 rare Northern Soul 45s into Japan. After this photo was taken, these Japanese collectors (who are mad on N/Soul) rushed onto the runway and offered thousands of dollars for his treasured goodies! Sadly..they were dissapointed when he realised that he'd only baught the box...and he'd forgot to put the records in!
GOT IT! Managed to get that damn fly at last!
Plant Triffid?
Farting Competition
Bad Wind!
The 'TRIFFIDS' are back! Apparantly..women are being grabbed in local parks and the 'Orchids' now have a taste for EATING women's clothing! ..er "come on dear, we're going to walk the dog....in the park" (hee hee!)
Tiny Louise Smellit from London cleared the hospital ward yesterday due to a bad case of wind...her mom also was'nt taking any chances!
Five year old David Pumper has challenged his pet dog "Stinker" to a farting competition! His mom gave them both 4 bowls of Quaker Oats laced with curry powder 2 days ago and they haven't stopped 'GASSING' everyone since! Next year they've decided to hold the competition in the summer as it's now too cold in December with all the windows open!
Stiff Problem?
Miracle Worker
What's Cooking?
"Sizzler" the cat likes to hop in the frying pan after tea-time as it's nice and warm in there! (Just make sure the gas isn't on Sizzler...or you'll be living up to your name!)
If Jesus can do miracles...how come I still haven't got a Dean Courtney yet?
Every time 'Herculees' owner strokes his back...his tail goes STIFF! There you go girls....he'll never say "sorry, not tonight darling" again!
Fat Cat!
No Boots...Or Can We?
New Laws..
I like this one...
Happiness Is...
From 2008, new laws will prohibit anyone 'breaking wind' in a public place! If you do and your reported, you will be fined accordingly. SMALL farts will carry just a warning....do a SMELLY fart and you'll be fined £30....absolute STINKERS will carry a maximum £100 fine PLUS you'll be issued with a cork and made to wear a hat stating in big letters where and when you committed the act! Looks like the air around us is going to be a bit less poluted!
That's one big pussy folks!
Happy Hens!
A McDonalds and a coke...a McDonalds and a coke...a McDonalds and a coke...a McDonalds and a coke...a McDonalds...
Flying Tonight?
Dolly Bird?
Soulful hens are happy hens according to farmers in Devon. Simply 'put on the soul sounds' and watch them eggs 'POP OUT!' - "the soul opens their hole" says the happy farmers...so START YOUR DAY...WITH AN EGG!
80 year old Douglas Bumfluff has taken up flying lessons and has an amazing 7 lessons a week! His wife said: "Since he took up flying, his feet haven't touched the ground"
Heaven In The Afternoon!
School Outing..
DAD! "Is this yours Dad?"
Stay back, he's just let one RIP!
PHEW! Smell that bugger!
A package of rare soul 45s, 2 pints and your girlfriends tongue in your ear... what more could a man want..
There's nothing like the annual school outing is there!
Berry Rare Items!
Ross Not The Boss?
Motown Fire!
Red faced Motown bosses are asking BRITISH collectors for any old Motown Acetates they might have to spare, due to a small fire in the vaults (which resulted in the loss of several hundred rare unreleased songs) As a thank you, anyone who hands any vinyl in, will be able to watch Berry Gordy count his money and also collect a free Motown hat!
Three rare Motown Acetates by Mr.Berry Gordy have been found in the Motown vaults recently entitled: "AIN'T NO CASH BOX HIGH ENOUGH", "JUST WALK IN MY SHOES (you know you'd like to)" and "MONEY(that's what I want but you ain't getting it".
Diana Ross has refused an invitaion to record with Motown again, because sound engineers would'nt let her take her pet poodle in the recording studios (They haven't forgotten the last time she brought it and it weed up the drummers leg!)
Next Stop Please..
Rock Solid!
The Fall And Rise Of J.J.Barnes
Is this where Record Fayres come from?
Lizard recording soul artist Mr.N.F.Porter was reported to have fell into a cement mixer the other day in a freak accident and had "set solid" before fire crews could reach him! Amazingly..the next day, he still turned up for work covered in cement at the recording studios! Friends asked him how he'd made it to work and he replied: "well man, You gotta keep on keeping on...no matter how hard it is"...
One day, Berry Gordy called me into the Motown office, he said: Mr.Barnes...FORGIVE ME, I just gotta SAY IT I'm afraid I've GOTTA GET RID OF YOU, Why? I said to him...'drink and drugs' he said (somehow he knew I was a DAY TRIPPER) I suppose they'd took over my life and I'd just turn up when I wanted to. DON'T BRING ME BAD NEWS Mr.Gordy I said, he walked out the room, I'LL KEEP COMING BACK I screamed at him! WON'T YOU LET ME KNOW if you change your mind?...but no answer.. They even locked me out of Motown...PLEASE LET ME IN I pleaded...but it was'nt to be. So I suppose it was POOR UNFORTUNATE ME but HOW LONG before I would work again? I needed the sack like A HOLE IN THE WALL! Looking back, I suppose I could see that SAD DAY A COMING. Two years later, they did actually say: Mr.Barnes..PLEASE COME ON BACK, but by then, I'd been hurt and I'd also got married and I was DEEPER IN LOVE than ever, scraping money together, after all..OUR LOVE IS IN THE POCKET and it was winter, with big SNOWFLAKES everywhere! I sometimes used to hang outside the Motown studios, then my wife would call me up saying BABY COME ON HOME...so I did! Then I finally got my PERCEPTION together and stayed off the drink and drugs! I used to drink whiskey and SWEET SHERRY, now I only go to MICKAY'S cafe for coffee and after 3 years, it's like a VOLT of lightning running right through me! I wanted to get back into GROOVESVILLE recording again! So I auditioned and I got the job...WELCOME TO THE CLUB they said...I'd finally made it again!! I'd not lost my MAGIC TOUCH after all...well maybe I'll give it JUST ONE MORE TIME anyway...
Woof Deal?
Ivor Lottastuff a soul collector from Germany, paid the USA company RCA $2,000 to browse through their vaults hoping to find some unissued Northern Soul gems, but was more than dissapointed when all he came away with was a 'dog and a gramophone'. Apparantly, RCA employees had been told to hide all the rare stuff in the back garden beforehand. Sorry...but there goes another German loser!
Vicar Facing The Sack..
Winter Wonderland
A red faced Vicar was facing the sack last night after seniors found him in a comprimising position with the vicarage cook! They were found to have left his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry..
God Spotted In Asda!
A couple and his wife who wanted a break from northern soul music for a while took a winter sports holiday in Switzerland. They met up with a few friends who by coincidence, turned out they owned the ski resort! Two days later they got some INVITATIONS to go SKIING IN THE SNOW! You know what...just can't get away from soul music can you!
God walks into Asda and asks to pay for some loaves and fishes. "JESUS CHRIST" says the cashier!! "Sorry" says God, that's my son, "he'll be in later".
Spiritual Crash?
OUCH! "Can someone trim my nails for me?"
Support, Grab And Throw..
Judge: "well Vicar you crashed your car into five parked cars then?" Vicar: "it's ok judge, the lord was with me". Judge: "that's ok then, maybe he can help pay your £500 fine!".
New Volkswagon LP's!
Too Late Collectors..
Ever wondered how far you could throw your cat? Well now YOU CAN! From this year onwards it's perfectly legal to throw cats! (or even the neighbours..) As long as you hold the cat firmly, you won't harm it. Simply support, grab hold and THROW the bugger as far as you can! (cats always land on their feet anyway) Enter your cat in the 'furthest throw' competition too....Go on, give your cat some fun...you know he deserves it!
A great new idea from Germany! Each VW has a tiny stylus underneath it, simply drop it down on your LP and watch it drive round all day...great fun for sad people! See...even the German's get it right sometimes!
Carla Bucket from New York recently gave away all 10,000 of her late husbands soul collection, as they were taking up space for her own 'plant growing' hobby. I managed to get a photo of the lorry shipping them out to the lucky guy. She'd apparently actually swopped them for 46 of his pot plants and a couple of garden gnomes! YOU JAMMY BAS.... you!
